In the hospital again
A week of continuous Albuterol running at 20mg/hr, mixed with feelings of guilt and
overwhelming frustration, was pretty much the theme for incarceration number 92.
Maybe I’ve been reading too many other bloggers accounts of their brittle asthma experiences
while in the hospital setting, or maybe it was the steroid psychosis kicking in, but this was the first time I found it necessary to incessantly try and convince some of the doctors caring for me, that I indeed had very severe asthma and wasn’t faking it.
A few days into this stay, my Pulmonologist finally showed at my bedside and basically told me to cool it. “Why do you keep pondering this crazy notion that you might not be a severe asthmatic?” “Stop ruminating on this! ” …were his exact words.
Perhaps, missing out on the Portland marathon had something to do with the intensity of this flare-up and the feelings of failure. I think the fact that some of my friends ( who were sick themselves) were doing races in my honor, somehow made me feel even more useless.
Anyway, I was discharged from the hospital Sunday afternoon, but am totally trashed. I don’t think I wanna go through this anymore. I’m tired of being constantly short of breath. I’m tired of the stress I put my loved ones through every time I get sick. I’m tired of chasing dreams I’ll never obtain. I’m tired of playing this game…. period. OK, I’m feeling a little sorry for myself right now. I’m sure I’ll feel better once the steroids leave my body, but I’m not so sure if I want to continue blogging about my asthma. Ive made too much a game out of it.










































