As asked by Physicians when I’m in the hospital, and ranked in order of dislike.

#1) What triggered your asthma attack this time?

#2) Why does your asthma get so bad?

#3) Do you think anxiety makes your asthma worse?

#4) Do you know how to check your peak flows ?

#5) What can we do to keep you out of the hospital?

#6) Have you ever been intubated for your asthma?

#7) Why did you wait so long to come in for treatment?

#8) Is that your real voice?

And this is how I usually answer them.


#1) I don’t know.

#2) I have bad asthma.

#3) Suffocating to death tends to make me a little anxious.

#4) I know more about pulmonary functions then you can ever hope to know.

#5) How about taking care of me when I’m NOT sick.

#6) I hold the worlds record.

#7) Because I hate answering stupid questions like these.

#8) Is my voice freaking you out or something?

And speaking of questions, why is it that they always wait until you have a Bipap mask strapped to your face to ask them? I think it’s a conspiracy.